1 00:00:10,255 --> 00:00:13,026 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ 2 00:00:14,996 --> 00:00:17,664 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪ 3 00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:22,438 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ 4 00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:27,008 ♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪ 5 00:00:28,911 --> 00:00:31,613 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ 6 00:00:33,650 --> 00:00:36,318 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪ 7 00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:41,488 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪ 8 00:00:42,990 --> 00:00:46,161 ♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna die ♪ 9 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,133 ♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louie... ♪ 10 00:00:50,960 --> 00:01:00,090 Sync and corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 11 00:01:10,158 --> 00:01:11,791 ( audience laughing ) 12 00:01:15,729 --> 00:01:16,567 Hey, what's up? 13 00:01:16,687 --> 00:01:18,764 You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you? 14 00:01:18,832 --> 00:01:19,981 Nope. 15 00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:22,000 Are you lying? Yep. 16 00:01:22,068 --> 00:01:24,041 ( audience laughing ) 17 00:01:24,164 --> 00:01:25,098 Why do you do that? 18 00:01:25,166 --> 00:01:26,866 The opener's right in the drawer. 19 00:01:26,934 --> 00:01:29,003 Yeah, well, the table's right here. 20 00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:31,238 Louie! 21 00:01:31,306 --> 00:01:32,673 I love you. 22 00:01:32,741 --> 00:01:34,174 ( audience ) Aww... 23 00:01:39,947 --> 00:01:41,447 Why would you say that? 24 00:01:41,515 --> 00:01:43,183 What? 25 00:01:43,251 --> 00:01:45,019 I mean, I just said a really dick thing. 26 00:01:45,086 --> 00:01:48,289 Why-- why would you say, "I love you"? 27 00:01:48,357 --> 00:01:49,757 What am I supposed to do here? 28 00:01:49,825 --> 00:01:51,426 Please? ( man ) Cut! 29 00:01:51,493 --> 00:01:52,928 ( bell ringing ) What's wrong, buddy? 30 00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:55,063 I just... 31 00:01:55,131 --> 00:01:56,565 Why does she say that? 32 00:01:56,633 --> 00:01:58,434 It's cute. 33 00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:00,302 It's cute? Yeah. 34 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,804 Dude... 35 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,306 I thought we were gonna do a show about marriage, 36 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,974 like a really honest, real show. 37 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,309 Yeah. So what-- 38 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,144 This woman is trying to raise two kids 39 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,479 and her husband just keeps shittin' all over her, 40 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,913 chipping away at all the furniture 41 00:02:11,981 --> 00:02:13,382 with his bad attitude. Yeah. 42 00:02:13,449 --> 00:02:15,584 I mean, are you folks seriously buying this shit? 43 00:02:15,651 --> 00:02:18,954 ( audience cheering ) 44 00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,255 Louie, the show's gonna be great. 45 00:02:20,322 --> 00:02:21,656 No, it's not! Yeah. 46 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,225 No, man, it's gonna suck, like every show on television. 47 00:02:24,293 --> 00:02:25,827 We're making all the same mistakes. 48 00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:28,297 The wife that's way too hot for the dude 49 00:02:28,364 --> 00:02:31,067 and the friend who I would never hang out with. 50 00:02:31,135 --> 00:02:32,869 Bob, I love you, you're great, 51 00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:34,637 but there's no reason for you to be on this show. 52 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:35,806 I mean, honestly, no offense. 53 00:02:35,873 --> 00:02:37,141 None taken. 54 00:02:37,208 --> 00:02:38,308 You know what? 55 00:02:38,376 --> 00:02:39,843 Can you guys figure this shit out, okay? 56 00:02:39,911 --> 00:02:41,946 This is my last go-around. 57 00:02:42,013 --> 00:02:43,881 All right, I am 38 years old. 58 00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:45,850 I hitched to this horse 59 00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:47,552 - because you guys said you wanted to get on air. - Yeah. 60 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:48,820 In another couple of years, 61 00:02:48,888 --> 00:02:50,355 these fake tits are gonna look stupid. 62 00:02:50,423 --> 00:02:52,824 So if I'm wasting my time here, you need to tell me now. 63 00:02:52,892 --> 00:02:54,226 You're wasting your time, you are. Great! 64 00:02:54,293 --> 00:02:56,161 No, no, Jennifer, this is gonna be fine. 65 00:02:56,229 --> 00:02:57,897 It-- we can't have a show where everybody 66 00:02:57,964 --> 00:03:00,132 just says whatever 'cause it's cute. 67 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,401 ( audience ) Boo! 68 00:03:01,468 --> 00:03:03,002 Oh, you know what, ( bleep ) you people! 69 00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:04,070 Okay, okay, look.. 70 00:03:04,138 --> 00:03:05,839 What do you want her to say to you? 71 00:03:05,907 --> 00:03:07,007 What do I want her to say? Yeah! 72 00:03:07,075 --> 00:03:08,308 You say the table is right here 73 00:03:08,376 --> 00:03:10,077 and then what does she say? 74 00:03:10,145 --> 00:03:11,445 "I'm leaving you." 75 00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:12,713 That's not funny. 76 00:03:12,781 --> 00:03:13,814 Yes, it is. 77 00:03:13,882 --> 00:03:15,449 That's hilarious. 78 00:03:15,517 --> 00:03:16,684 Come on. 79 00:03:16,752 --> 00:03:18,119 "The opener's right there." 80 00:03:18,186 --> 00:03:19,920 "Yeah, but the table's right here." 81 00:03:19,988 --> 00:03:21,355 "I'm leaving you." 82 00:03:21,423 --> 00:03:22,890 And then she leaves! 83 00:03:22,958 --> 00:03:24,325 And she takes the kids and then this dude 84 00:03:24,393 --> 00:03:25,960 has to finally face himself 85 00:03:26,028 --> 00:03:28,029 because she's gone and there's nobody else 86 00:03:28,097 --> 00:03:30,164 to be an asshole to but himself. 87 00:03:30,232 --> 00:03:32,366 Don't you wanna do-- don't you wanna do that show? 88 00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:35,303 Wouldn't you love to do that show? 89 00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:37,071 Is everything okay at home, Louie? 90 00:03:37,139 --> 00:03:38,673 Oh, Christ. 91 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,508 No! 92 00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:42,175 All right, let's take a break. 93 00:04:10,539 --> 00:04:11,706 Oh, hi. 94 00:04:11,774 --> 00:04:13,641 Oh, okay. 95 00:04:13,709 --> 00:04:14,842 Okay, all right. 96 00:04:18,513 --> 00:04:20,814 Hey... hey. 97 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,656 Oh, baby. 98 00:04:27,723 --> 00:04:30,792 Baby, baby, baby, baby. 99 00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:34,229 Your dad's not gonna have a sitcom. 100 00:04:34,297 --> 00:04:35,565 Not gonna do it. 101 00:04:35,632 --> 00:04:37,333 I wanted to. 102 00:04:37,401 --> 00:04:40,203 I wanted to, so I wouldn't have to be on the road all the time, 103 00:04:40,271 --> 00:04:43,574 away from you... 104 00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,208 and I just wouldn’t do it. 105 00:04:45,276 --> 00:04:46,476 Maybe I'm a coward. 106 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,480 Sorry, baby. 107 00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,982 Your dad is a comedian. 108 00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:55,060 It's your tough luck. 109 00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:57,019 All right, let's put you to sleep. 110 00:04:59,489 --> 00:05:01,556 ♪ I had me a rooster ♪ 111 00:05:01,624 --> 00:05:04,326 ♪ The rooster pleased me ♪ 112 00:05:04,393 --> 00:05:08,964 ♪ I fed my rooster to the green berry tree ♪ 113 00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:11,534 ♪ Little rooster says... ♪ 114 00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,436 Lilly... 115 00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:14,537 Lilly, I love you. 116 00:05:16,212 --> 00:05:17,808 ( man ) Please put your hands together 117 00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:21,078 and make that loud clapping sound for Louie C.K.! 118 00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,848 ( cheers and applause ) 119 00:05:33,058 --> 00:05:35,159 Thank you very much. 120 00:05:35,227 --> 00:05:36,594 Thank you, everybody. 121 00:05:36,662 --> 00:05:40,765 Uh, I have some notes I'm gonna be working off of. 122 00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:42,166 I hope that's okay with you. 123 00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:47,204 I've never stopped anything so cold in all my life. 124 00:05:47,271 --> 00:05:48,572 That was amazing. 125 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,776 You guys were clapping so much 126 00:05:51,843 --> 00:05:56,080 and now you look like you've never clapped in your lives. 127 00:05:56,147 --> 00:06:00,750 That applause is so far in the rear-view mirror right now. 128 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:04,187 That's amazing how quickly-- 129 00:06:04,255 --> 00:06:05,889 "Yeah !" 130 00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:12,430 Um... 131 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,076 There was a girl once who blew me 132 00:06:23,143 --> 00:06:27,947 who subsequently hung herself... to death. 133 00:06:28,014 --> 00:06:30,082 It's true. 134 00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:33,618 Um, she didn't do it right after, just so you know. 135 00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:36,387 She didn't do it, like, immediately after. 136 00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:38,989 She did it two years later. 137 00:06:39,057 --> 00:06:41,859 Because that's how long it takes-- 138 00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:44,995 that's how long you can live with having blown me 139 00:06:45,063 --> 00:06:46,897 before you need to end your life. 140 00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:50,768 That's how long-- everyone who has blown me 141 00:06:50,836 --> 00:06:54,238 has died two years later of their own doing. 142 00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:57,641 That's the gestation period for suicidal shame 143 00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:01,278 that comes from having 144 00:07:01,346 --> 00:07:03,013 had my penis in your mouth. 145 00:07:03,081 --> 00:07:05,049 ( crowd laughing ) 146 00:07:09,521 --> 00:07:11,922 That's such an awful way to describe blowin' somebody, 147 00:07:11,989 --> 00:07:15,825 "having had my penis in your mouth." 148 00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:18,060 It doesn't-- it just gives you an image of somebody-- 149 00:07:18,128 --> 00:07:21,464 Oh, I got something... 150 00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:23,165 Oh, I got this dick in my mouth. 151 00:07:26,689 --> 00:07:30,240 Do I still have this-- Do you see this dick there? 152 00:07:30,308 --> 00:07:32,820 Oh, shit, yeah, you got his dick in your mouth. 153 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,996 Did you like your party? Mm-hmm. 154 00:07:43,064 --> 00:07:45,765 But it's nice just to be here quiet with you. 155 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,834 The party was hard. 156 00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:53,139 What's that? 157 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,940 It's a present, what do you think it is? 158 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,040 For me? 159 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,345 No, it's for the little old lady who lives in your nose. 160 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,280 Of course it's for you. 161 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:02,481 What, did you really think I was just 162 00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:03,482 gonna get you slippers? 163 00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:04,750 Can I open it? 164 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,252 Not 'til your birthday. 165 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,587 It is my birthday. 166 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,788 Well, all right then. 167 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:15,563 Tickets to... To... 168 00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:16,797 Sabrina Bubble. 169 00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:17,998 That's right! 170 00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:19,767 Those were very hard to get. 171 00:08:19,835 --> 00:08:22,003 Nobody-- nobody gets tickets to Sabrina Bubble, 172 00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:24,238 but it turns out, she and I have the same promoter... 173 00:08:26,608 --> 00:08:28,142 You don't like it. 174 00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:29,744 No, I do. 175 00:08:29,811 --> 00:08:31,779 Thank you, Daddy, thank you. 176 00:08:31,847 --> 00:08:33,815 It's so nice. 177 00:08:33,882 --> 00:08:35,516 It's so nice? 178 00:08:35,584 --> 00:08:37,685 It's supposed to be amazing. 179 00:08:37,752 --> 00:08:38,819 I'm sorry, Daddy. 180 00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:39,954 No, no, no, no, don't do that. 181 00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:43,524 I-- I thought you loved Sabrina Bubble. 182 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:44,758 Who do you like now? 183 00:08:44,826 --> 00:08:46,560 Lady Gaga. 184 00:08:46,628 --> 00:08:48,162 Lady Gaga? 185 00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:50,966 Jesus, honey, she's pretty grown up. 186 00:08:51,033 --> 00:08:52,467 She's amazing. 187 00:08:52,535 --> 00:08:53,835 She's my favorite. 188 00:08:53,903 --> 00:08:56,806 I-- I appreciate that you like her, but I-- 189 00:08:56,874 --> 00:08:58,741 Lady Gaga's an artist. 190 00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:00,276 Honey, I wouldn't-- within reason, 191 00:09:00,344 --> 00:09:03,246 I would never tell you what to listen to, but I-- 192 00:09:03,314 --> 00:09:05,214 I want you to grow up to... 193 00:09:05,282 --> 00:09:08,651 to like yourself and have a job and be strong 194 00:09:08,718 --> 00:09:11,754 and to think about who you are, not... 195 00:09:11,822 --> 00:09:12,922 I don't want you to think it's all 196 00:09:12,989 --> 00:09:17,059 about your looks and glamour and stuff. 197 00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:19,228 Well, can't I grow up like that 198 00:09:19,296 --> 00:09:21,030 and still like Lady Gaga? 199 00:09:26,469 --> 00:09:28,672 So what cities are we lookin' at for the fall tour? 200 00:09:28,739 --> 00:09:30,507 All right, so I'm thinking we start in Texas. 201 00:09:30,575 --> 00:09:32,576 Gonna cover Houston, Austin, Dallas, 202 00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:35,112 San Antonio, then El Paso-- that's one week. 203 00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:36,780 Then we're gonna-- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 204 00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:38,415 That's too many nights in a row. 205 00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:39,950 I told you, I gotta come home every week 206 00:09:40,018 --> 00:09:41,585 to be with the kids, three nights a week. 207 00:09:41,653 --> 00:09:42,720 I told you that. 208 00:09:42,788 --> 00:09:44,389 I can't go out for that long. 209 00:09:44,456 --> 00:09:46,191 Dude, Louie, you could make so much more money 210 00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:47,759 if you stay out longer, I'm telling you. 211 00:09:47,826 --> 00:09:49,160 I know that. 212 00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:50,161 But I got my kids Monday, Tuesday, 213 00:09:50,229 --> 00:09:51,429 and Wednesday nights. 214 00:09:51,497 --> 00:09:52,564 I can't work those nights. 215 00:09:52,631 --> 00:09:53,631 That's just the way it is, Doug. 216 00:09:53,699 --> 00:09:55,900 Okay, fine, I get it. 217 00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:58,069 You know what, we gotta go back to El Paso next year. 218 00:09:58,137 --> 00:09:59,937 Just ( bleep ) El Paso, ( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass. 219 00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:01,639 All right, all right, okay, you don't have to... 220 00:10:01,707 --> 00:10:03,041 I'm sorry for cursing. 221 00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:04,909 I understand about your kids, okay? 222 00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,311 I mean, I don't have kids 223 00:10:06,379 --> 00:10:08,145 but I have a father, so I get it. 224 00:10:08,213 --> 00:10:10,281 Um, did your girl like the Sabrina Bubble tickets? 225 00:10:10,349 --> 00:10:11,549 You know what, I forgot to tell you, 226 00:10:11,616 --> 00:10:13,618 she doesn't wanna go. She didn't wanna go? 227 00:10:13,685 --> 00:10:15,720 No, she likes Lady Gaga now. 228 00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:17,488 Oh, shit, Lady Gaga? 229 00:10:17,556 --> 00:10:19,357 Yeah, can you get tickets? No. 230 00:10:19,424 --> 00:10:21,425 No, just like that? No, I can't-- Lady Gaga? 231 00:10:21,493 --> 00:10:22,560 No way, man. 232 00:10:22,628 --> 00:10:24,095 Listen, we work with Live Promotion Inc. 233 00:10:24,163 --> 00:10:25,730 She's AEG all the way. 234 00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,865 Oh... 235 00:10:27,932 --> 00:10:29,499 Does AEG handle any comedians? 236 00:10:29,568 --> 00:10:31,402 Only one. Who? 237 00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:33,437 Dane Cook. 238 00:10:33,505 --> 00:10:35,039 Oh. 239 00:10:35,107 --> 00:10:36,374 Yeah. Shit. 240 00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:38,477 Yeah, the arena dog. 241 00:10:38,545 --> 00:10:39,712 I mean, he's gonna be at the Garden. 242 00:10:39,779 --> 00:10:41,347 If you want, I can get you backstage passes, 243 00:10:41,414 --> 00:10:42,815 you can go talk to him. 244 00:10:57,315 --> 00:10:58,582 Hey, man. Hey. 245 00:10:58,650 --> 00:10:59,850 What are you doin' here? 246 00:10:59,918 --> 00:11:01,285 I thought you hated Dane. 247 00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:02,587 I don't hate him. 248 00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:04,422 You should hate him, he stole your jokes. 249 00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:05,823 I don't know that he stole my jokes. 250 00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:08,393 Everybody says he stole your jokes. 251 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,061 He stole your jokes, stupid. 252 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,429 I st came to talk to him about something. 253 00:11:11,497 --> 00:11:12,997 I don't know... 254 00:11:13,065 --> 00:11:15,233 What are you doing here? Pickin' up young pussy. 255 00:11:15,301 --> 00:11:17,835 All his fans are college age. 256 00:11:17,903 --> 00:11:20,271 You know... nice and snug. 257 00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:21,473 I get it. 258 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,908 Dane says he'll see you. 259 00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:24,209 Come with us. 260 00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:27,312 All right, man, I'll see l you later. All right, later. 261 00:11:27,379 --> 00:11:28,479 Take it easy. 262 00:11:38,524 --> 00:11:39,657 ( man ) Comin' up on the right. 263 00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:50,369 Hold up for the hand-off. 264 00:12:26,572 --> 00:12:27,538 Crazy. 265 00:12:27,606 --> 00:12:28,673 He's coming down. 266 00:12:30,075 --> 00:12:32,710 Hey, Dane. 267 00:12:32,778 --> 00:12:35,113 Can I-- can I talk to you for a second? 268 00:12:35,181 --> 00:12:36,882 Yeah. 269 00:12:36,950 --> 00:12:39,051 Um, can you guys just give me a minute? 270 00:12:39,119 --> 00:12:40,720 Yeah. 271 00:12:45,927 --> 00:12:47,328 Thanks. 272 00:12:53,503 --> 00:12:55,938 Uh... 273 00:12:56,005 --> 00:12:57,506 I need to ask you for a favor. 274 00:13:01,778 --> 00:13:04,613 Well, this should be, uh... 275 00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:07,683 That's really something. 276 00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,451 Okay. 277 00:13:09,519 --> 00:13:11,320 Look, I-- I know that, um... 278 00:13:11,387 --> 00:13:13,655 "Um" what? 279 00:13:13,723 --> 00:13:15,490 I have a daughter and, uh-- 280 00:13:15,558 --> 00:13:17,492 What can I do for you? 281 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,261 I have a daughter, she's ten, 282 00:13:19,328 --> 00:13:22,030 she just turned ten, she had a birthday 283 00:13:22,097 --> 00:13:23,798 and she wants to go see Lady Gaga. 284 00:13:23,866 --> 00:13:25,099 Lady Gaga. 285 00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,333 Awesome. 286 00:13:26,401 --> 00:13:28,469 And I know you have the same promoter as her... 287 00:13:28,536 --> 00:13:30,104 Yeah. 288 00:13:30,171 --> 00:13:33,440 ... so I was hoping that you could, uh... 289 00:13:33,507 --> 00:13:35,842 you could help me... 290 00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:39,079 to get her tickets... 291 00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:41,515 for her birthday. 292 00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,017 I could totally do that for you, 293 00:13:43,084 --> 00:13:45,119 uh, easily. 294 00:13:45,187 --> 00:13:46,687 I know Lady Gaga. 295 00:13:46,755 --> 00:13:49,257 You do? 296 00:13:49,325 --> 00:13:54,196 And, uh, yeah, I could get you tickets, backstage, 297 00:13:54,263 --> 00:13:57,866 and, uh, I could help you to make your daughter 298 00:13:57,934 --> 00:14:00,402 very, very happy. 299 00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:03,138 Mm-hmm. 300 00:14:03,206 --> 00:14:05,974 All you have to do is 301 00:14:06,042 --> 00:14:07,843 go on YouTube 302 00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:11,245 and tell everybody that I did not steal your material. 303 00:14:13,181 --> 00:14:14,548 I never said that you stole my jokes-- 304 00:14:14,616 --> 00:14:16,350 You never said it. 305 00:14:16,417 --> 00:14:17,884 But you let other people say it. 306 00:14:17,952 --> 00:14:18,885 What let? 307 00:14:18,953 --> 00:14:20,287 I can't tell people what to say. 308 00:14:20,355 --> 00:14:21,989 You're full of shit! 309 00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:23,223 Dane, look-- 310 00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:25,292 You know what? 311 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,528 I'm excited that you're in this room right now 312 00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:29,963 'cause I waited four years 313 00:14:30,031 --> 00:14:31,198 to tell you this. 314 00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:35,168 Do you know the year 2000 and six? 315 00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,837 2000 and six? Yes. 316 00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:38,438 2000 and six. 317 00:14:38,506 --> 00:14:40,440 You don't really say "2000 and six." 318 00:14:40,508 --> 00:14:42,943 It's 2006. 319 00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:44,944 "2000 and six" is like saying 320 00:14:45,012 --> 00:14:47,446 the year 2000 and, by the way, the number six. 321 00:14:47,514 --> 00:14:49,648 "2000 and six" 322 00:14:49,716 --> 00:14:51,950 was the greatest year of my entire life. 323 00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:53,919 I had a double-platinum comedy album. 324 00:14:53,987 --> 00:14:55,387 First one ever to exist. 325 00:14:55,455 --> 00:14:57,689 I had a massive HBO special. 326 00:14:57,757 --> 00:14:59,458 I was on the cover of "TIME." 327 00:14:59,526 --> 00:15:00,759 Well, you were on the corner, 328 00:15:00,827 --> 00:15:01,694 the little corner thing. 329 00:15:01,761 --> 00:15:02,962 It wasn't the-- 330 00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:04,497 Not like when the president is on the cover. 331 00:15:04,564 --> 00:15:06,966 2000 and six. 332 00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,202 That should've been like my triumph, 333 00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:12,373 and I enjoyed it, Louie, for maybe two months. 334 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,009 Two months before it started to suck 335 00:15:15,077 --> 00:15:16,545 because everything I read about me was about 336 00:15:16,612 --> 00:15:19,247 how I stole jokes from you, which I didn't. 337 00:15:19,315 --> 00:15:21,116 I kind of think you did. 338 00:15:21,183 --> 00:15:23,518 Dude, why would I steal three jokes from you 339 00:15:23,586 --> 00:15:25,120 when I have hours of material? 340 00:15:25,187 --> 00:15:26,388 Why? Why would I do that? 341 00:15:26,455 --> 00:15:28,056 Risk my reputation! 342 00:15:28,124 --> 00:15:29,758 'Cause they were funny jokes. 343 00:15:31,661 --> 00:15:33,162 You know what, Louie? 344 00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:34,497 You know what the biggest lie in the world is? 345 00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:35,898 Is that I'm a rock star, 346 00:15:35,966 --> 00:15:38,101 I'm a millionaire, I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth 347 00:15:38,168 --> 00:15:40,503 and you're like a comic's comic 348 00:15:40,571 --> 00:15:43,072 and you're an inside-joke guy and I'm a sellout 349 00:15:43,139 --> 00:15:45,675 and-- and I sold my soul 350 00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:48,244 and you have-- you have artistic integrity 351 00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:50,714 and you're a-- you're a good guy. 352 00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:52,249 We're in this room right now, you and me. 353 00:15:52,316 --> 00:15:54,251 You looking at me. 354 00:15:54,318 --> 00:15:57,921 You let your name be used to hurt me. 355 00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:03,093 And now you're sitting here, asking me to use my fame 356 00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:06,430 to get you tickets to Lady Gaga. 357 00:16:06,497 --> 00:16:09,633 I mean, how shitty do you feel right now? 358 00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:10,934 Very. 359 00:16:11,002 --> 00:16:12,269 So you admit that this is all bullshit. 360 00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,371 You wanna know what I think? 361 00:16:14,439 --> 00:16:15,839 You wanna... 362 00:16:17,441 --> 00:16:19,710 I don't think that you saw me do those jokes 363 00:16:19,777 --> 00:16:21,411 and said, "I'm gonna tell those jokes, too." 364 00:16:21,479 --> 00:16:23,447 I don't think there's a world where you're that stupid 365 00:16:23,514 --> 00:16:24,815 or that bad a guy. 366 00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:27,284 I-- I do think, though, that you're like-- 367 00:16:27,352 --> 00:16:29,653 you're like a machine of success. 368 00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:31,855 You're like-- like a rocket 369 00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:34,057 and you're rocketing to the stars 370 00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,759 and your engines are sucking stuff up. 371 00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,595 Stuff is getting sucked up in your engines, 372 00:16:38,662 --> 00:16:41,764 like birds and bugs and some of my jokes. 373 00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,401 I think you saw me do them-- 374 00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:46,835 I know you saw me do them 375 00:16:46,903 --> 00:16:49,304 and I think they just went in your brain 376 00:16:49,372 --> 00:16:51,606 and I don't think you meant to do it, 377 00:16:51,674 --> 00:16:54,308 but I don't think you stopped yourself, either. 378 00:16:54,376 --> 00:16:56,811 And that's why I never felt the need to help you 379 00:16:56,878 --> 00:16:59,280 not be hated by a lot of people. 380 00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:06,621 But I feel bad. 381 00:17:06,689 --> 00:17:09,123 I mean, I do, I feel bad. 382 00:17:09,191 --> 00:17:11,125 That's great that you feel bad, right here, 383 00:17:11,193 --> 00:17:15,496 in this room, just, y'know, the two of us, alone. 384 00:17:15,564 --> 00:17:18,633 Maybe if you felt bad publicly, 385 00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:20,601 on the Internet, then this could all be behind us-- 386 00:17:20,669 --> 00:17:22,437 Well, well, are you willing to admit, 387 00:17:22,505 --> 00:17:25,207 even for a minute, that maybe-- maybe you inadvertently 388 00:17:25,274 --> 00:17:26,441 took 'emok or some-- 389 00:17:26,509 --> 00:17:28,143 maybe you had some part of it? 390 00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:30,512 Maybe they got in your brain and you shat 'em out. 391 00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:33,516 Maybe it was inadvertent, but maybe it did happen. 392 00:17:36,486 --> 00:17:37,853 I-- I shouldn't have come here, man-- 393 00:17:37,921 --> 00:17:40,489 Louie, do you want the tickets? 394 00:17:40,556 --> 00:17:41,990 Because I'm sure that your-- 395 00:17:42,058 --> 00:17:43,325 Honestly, I think that your daughter-- 396 00:17:43,393 --> 00:17:45,093 I bet she's really nice. 397 00:17:45,161 --> 00:17:46,628 But you got a lot of nerve comin' in here, man. 398 00:17:46,696 --> 00:17:48,697 I don't know, it's like I don't have kids, 399 00:17:48,765 --> 00:17:50,766 so I don't-- I don't get it, 400 00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:54,402 but it must mean a lot for you to, you know, 401 00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:56,137 come in here and do this, 402 00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,874 so, um... you want the tickets? 403 00:17:58,942 --> 00:17:59,942 Thank you, I-- 404 00:18:00,009 --> 00:18:01,510 Yes, I'd like the tickets. 405 00:18:01,578 --> 00:18:03,045 How many? Two, please. 406 00:18:03,113 --> 00:18:05,013 You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay. That's good. 407 00:18:05,081 --> 00:18:08,217 Thank you, I appreciate it a lot, seriously. 408 00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,586 You know, the one thing that, like, 409 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:13,324 really just... 410 00:18:13,391 --> 00:18:15,926 gets to me is the whole thing about, 411 00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:18,396 um, people saying that I stole the joke about 412 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,698 the itchy asshole? 413 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:26,304 Because... I-- I get an itchy asshole... a lot. 414 00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,406 So for you to think that you're the only person 415 00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,408 who got an itchy asshole in America-- 416 00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:33,411 I mean, that's like, that's... that's bullshit, y'know? 417 00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:37,082 You should try a... a natural laundry detergent. 418 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,751 What? 419 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:45,690 Your daughter is ten? 420 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,325 Yeah. 421 00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:49,160 Why are you getting her tickets? 422 00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,596 What do you mean? 423 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,664 She's ten. 424 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,466 I mean, I remember being ten. 425 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,268 An envelope when you're ten is... 426 00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,270 it's a bummer. 427 00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:02,407 You know, when you're a kid, you want, like, a box. 428 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,375 You know, why don't you go get her something? 429 00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:06,344 Get her something, like a gift that you found, 430 00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,913 from her daddy, you know? 431 00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:10,180 A box is exciting when you're a kid. 432 00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,115 An envelope is, you know... 433 00:19:20,891 --> 00:19:22,292 Oh, shit. 434 00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:30,600 Hey, you want a snack? 435 00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:32,101 Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad. 436 00:19:32,169 --> 00:19:34,671 No, not yet, this first. 437 00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:35,672 Can I open it? 438 00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:36,706 Yes! 439 00:19:48,717 --> 00:19:50,151 Thanks, Daddy. 440 00:19:50,219 --> 00:19:51,452 That's nice. 441 00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:57,925 Okay, happy birthday. 442 00:19:57,992 --> 00:19:59,360 Thanks. 443 00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:18,807 ( audience laughing ) 444 00:20:25,001 --> 00:20:25,947 Hey, what's up? 445 00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:28,384 You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you? 446 00:20:28,452 --> 00:20:29,585 Nope. 447 00:20:29,653 --> 00:20:31,421 Are you lying? Yep. 448 00:20:31,489 --> 00:20:32,822 ( audience laughing ) 449 00:20:32,890 --> 00:20:33,836 Why do you do that? 450 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,925 The opener is right in the drawer. 451 00:20:35,993 --> 00:20:38,195 Yeah, but the table's right here. 452 00:20:38,263 --> 00:20:40,130 Louie! 453 00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:41,599 I love you. 454 00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,800 ( audience ) Aww... 455 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,205 I love you, too. 456 00:20:48,272 --> 00:20:49,839 Aww. 457 00:20:49,907 --> 00:20:51,474 You're everything to me. 458 00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,476 ( crowd applauding ) 459 00:20:56,788 --> 00:21:06,824 Sync and corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 460 00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:11,424 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0